.it’s not rocket science.

.Plot is character. Forget pschycology. Forget the inside of men’s heads. Judge them by their actions.

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We’ve all been there, a breakup is never fun regardless if you made the decision or not. Of course it sucks to be dumped, but it’s also hard to be the one making the decision. Especially when you wish you didn’t have to and there’s still love left. It’s interesting to speak to people about how they move on after a breakup, and that’s why I will focus on this theme.

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Getting over someone after a breakup will never work when you try to replace your ex with someone new. Most of us know that and still so many throw themselves into a new relationship. People can come up with excuse after excuse but at the end of the day it’s selfish, and totally unfair to this new replacement human. If you’re both on the same track and it’s clear from both sides, then go ahead. But it still won’t give you the healing process that a breakup requires. And it will never be a good starting point of something new.

There is so much pain and regret that overcomes us during a breakup – and we mistakenly try to rush the healing process, but we need to keep in mind that there is no time limit. And the amount of time it takes to get back to feeling normal varies from person to person. But we all need time.

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If you are going through a breakup there are some small tricks to help you along the way.

“I love myself” – say it to yourself everyday, it really works. Self-love is incredibly important, because ultimately we are the ones responsible for our actions, choices, and the outcome of those actions and choices. We cannot give to someone else what we don’t have, and likewise we cannot get from someone else what he or she doesn’t have. If you love yourself, you will be the master of your feelings, not some idiot that broke your heart or treated you like shit.

“I want to be happy” – don’t we all?! And still we let so many small unimportant things bring us down. Become more aware of what’s really worth your energy. I try to remind myself in shitty situations that I want to be happy, try to force a fake smile, until it turns into a real one. It even turns out that a fake smile is better than no smile. Researchers apperently discovered that holding your mouth in a smiling position could help lower a person’s heart rate after stressful situations.

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“F*ck him/her” – I curse a lot and I found out that bad language can actually be good for you, according to a study swearing may serve an important function in relieving pain. Say it, whisper it, scream it – let it all out. Not only do you end up soothing the pain, you are also telling yourself that you are not going to be a victim.

“I always hated his fashion style” – remember all those things that you actually really didn’t like, but you just overlooked cause you were madly in love. Well bring them out, all of it. “I always hated his ugly haircut”, “I hated his fucking car”, “I hated the way he became when he drank”. Take off your love goggles and tell yourself what you really saw in him. Even if it’s something tiny (of course a drinking problem is not a tiny thing). Doing so will help you realize that your ex wasn’t as fabulous or perfect as they seemed and it will help you heal faster. In fact, a study found that those who “indicated strong negative feelings about their ex in the immediate aftermath of the breakup were less likely to be depressed.” Of course it’s also healthy to remember all the good things, but not at this state, in the early state you need to distance yourself. Don’t make things up, just be honest.

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“I’m better off without him/her, because ….” – Quick! Finish the sentence! There should be multiple ways to finish it. For me one of them was “I’m better off without him, because even though I’m grieving I’m somehow happier then when I was with him”. Boom! That’s a rough one.

“It has been x days since we broke up, and I feel…” – Here’s another sentence to finish. Say whatever you like – just be truthful. If you’d rather write it down in a journal, that’s okay too. It keeps you present in the current moment and lets you feel whatever it is you need to feel. And always remember that it’s okey to miss someone but still not wanting them back into your life. Eventually, one day will turn into a month, and you will notice a difference. You may still be sad and heartbroken, but the degree to which you feel it will change and you will be able to recognize your progress. Try to use your feelings, your intuition, as a guiding system. I try to stick the following rule, if something doesn’t feel right to me I won’t do it. If the feeling is right, I will. Feelings are often truer than thoughts or beliefs and can often lead to real moments of insight and can be the beginning of change.

• “Never forget the reason you left” – as we go through the whole breakup process it’s easy to start questioning if we made the right choice (if it was yours to make). And it’s easy to forget the reason we left in the first place when we are sad and still feel a strong connection to our ex. Try to always remind yourself why you made the decision and stick to what feels truly right.

• “I will find someone better” – These words may be the most difficult to utter, especially if you believed that your ex was “the one” or your soul mate. Trust me, we’ve all been there. And because this phrase is so hard to say, it is, in fact, the most crucial. We definitley don’t want to hear this at the begining, but you will meet someone better – it is inevitable. You will meet someone else who will be kind to you, love you, treat you with respect and most important of all, not break your heart.

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What we all need to learn is that you can’t use someone else to heal your own pain. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone. Don’t grab a replacement human for your void, it’s selfish. Be independent and grow from it, it’s not rocket science. No matter how long it will take you to get over someone you should never play with someone else’s feelings for your own profit. That’s also called fish love. I wrote a blog called “it’s fish love”.

Young man, why are you eating that fish? The young man says, Because I love fish.” The old man says, Oh, you love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it. Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself,  and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore, you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.

So much of what is love is fish love.

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A young couple falls in love. A young man and woman fall in love. What does that mean? That means that he saw in this woman someone who he felt could provide him with all his physical and emotional needs… that was love, but each one is looking out for their own needs. It’s not love for the other. The other person becomes a vehicle for my gratification. Too much of what is called love is fish love. An external love is not what I’m going to get but I’m going to give. 

The people make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love, the real answer is you love those to whom you give.” /Rhabbi Dessler

True love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving.” 

/ Abraham Twerski

He’s a part of your past, a memory more fadded every day. One day you’ll find a man who will love and respect you in a way he was never able to. And he will be stuck unable to love and respect another for he doesn’t want to start the work to love and respect himself.

Plot is character. Forget pschycology. Forget the inside of men’s heads. Judge them by their actions. / Aristoteles

.love.liebe.kärlek.heidi.

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Photo by Julian Freyberg, makeup by Hoky Siswan & Wigstyling Michel van Oostveen

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