.it’s not a mistake.

.be sure to taste your words before you spit them out.

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.when someone keeps making the same mistake over and over again, it’s no longer a mistake. It’s a habit.

It’s easy to speak before you think. Unfortunately when you said something you can’t “unsay” it and whatever hurt you brought onto another person it can’t be taken away, not even with an apology. After an apology you might be forgiven, but the pain it caused can never be removed, you can never undo what’s already done. All you can do is to make sure you never do it again.

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Don’t always let your emotions speak directly for you, think about it. Even for just a second, think before you say it. What will happen to the other person when I say this? Do I really mean it? Is it worth it? Is it fair? Can I stand by my words? Everyone can make mistakes and sometimes we can say something we don’t really mean. But it’s not acceptable to make the same mistake over and over again. That’s lack of respect.

Don’t mix bad words with your bad mood. You will have many opportunities to change a mood, but you will never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke.

People that do this over and over again are unable to control their irrational and emotional impulses. Which are operating in their subconscious mind. They need to bring, for example their anger, into their conscious awareness so that they can heal it and make better choices.

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We’re capable of making the same mistakes over and over, because, under stress, we tend to retreat to habits of emotion regulation formed in our childhood. How we learned to behave as children in certain situations. Of course often mirrored from our parents behavior. These habits from our childhood rule when we are under stress, when we are mentally exhausted or feel pschyically or mentally overtaxed. This is when the “toddler brain habits” kick in and we no longer use our “prefrontal cortex”, also called the Adult brain, (big words here).

Psychologists can see increasing evidence of Toddler brain habits – impulsiveness, poor judgment, self-obsession, and volatile feelings – because our lives have grown dramatically more complex than our brains evolved to handle, causing more frequent retreat to the Toddler brain. There we have no foresight or ability to think through the consequences of our behavior.

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Toddlers are incapable of seeing any perspective other than their own. The Toddler brain is dominated by feelings rather than analysis of facts. Especially negative feelings that seems like alarms – rather than analysis of the conditional context of past mistakes and their consequences.

When we feel that way, for any reason, past behavioral impulses from our childhood grow stronger, increasing the likelihood of repeating the mistake. We’re likely to eat the whole cake and then realizing it wasn’t even for us. We’ll throw a temper tantrum (or repress one) before we recall our resolution to take a time out when things get hot. We’ll pout, criticize, and devalue others, instead of seeking to improve and repair. The dominance of feelings is why addicts fall back and Mr. Hyde can’t remember what Dr. Jekyll learned in angermanagement class.

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Psychologists call the phenomenon, “state-dependent recall”. Meaning information learned in one mood or emotional state, is most likely to be recalled in a similar mood or emotional state. When resentful toward your partner, you can remember everything she or he did to offend or disappoint since the day you married. But you’ll recall only nice things about her or him when you feel sweet and loving. When depressed, we tend to think of only sad things, and when we’re happy, we tend to think exclusively of happy events. When we’re angry, we think of offensive things, and when compassionate, we recall our more humane experiences.

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We all should learn from our mistakes and life is a lot about making them to be able to grow and learn. But this blog is not meant to focus on those kind of mistakes, this is more about using a mistake as an excuse for disrespectful behavior. The reason I wanted to bring this up is because many people seem to think that instead of taking responsibility for what they do or say they continuously call it a mistake. They apologize and then everything should be fine regardless if they make a change or not. “We will never speak about it again, and you are not allowed to hold me responsible for anything I’ve done, cause I apologized for it. So even if I do it all over again you can’t bring up the past, cause we dealt with it and it’s done.” I think most of us can agree that that’s not how it works. I think it’s important to be able to give people a second chance and forgive some things that happens. I’m a big believer of that. But like I said at the start, you can’t unsay or undo what’s already done. The hurt you caused is forever printed in that person’s heart. All you can do is to make sure that you don’t make that hurt grow bigger. Never make the same mistake again cause that is in fact no longer a mistake, it’s a habit and a choice that you alone are responsible for.

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I experienced a close person saying something really disrespectful to me one time. I explained to him/her how much it hurt me, how sad it made me and that I don’t want to be spoken to in that way ever again. He/she then looked at me and said “I would do it again”. That was the moment I knew that this person doesn’t deserve to be in my life anymore. He/she ment; “By saying it in the first place, I got things my way. The consequences of what I said benefit me. The fact that you got hurt and felt disrespected doesn’t mean anything to me, cause I got it my way. And that’s all that counts to me.” He/she didn’t use those exact words, but that was the exact meaning.

Stay away from people like that. 

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Remember that actions always speak louder then words.

.love.liebe.kärlek.heidi.


2 thoughts on “.it’s not a mistake.

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