.so much of what is love is fish love.
”Young man, why are you eating that fish?” The young man says, ”Because I love fish.” He says, ”Oh, you love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it. Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore, you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.”
So much of what is love is fish love.
A young couple falls in love. A young man and woman fall in love. What does that mean? That means that he saw in this woman someone who he felt could provide him with all his physical and emotional needs, and she felt in this man sombody she feels that she can write…that was love, but each one is looking out for their own needs. It’s not love for the other. The other person becomes a vehicle for my gratification. Too much of what is called love is fish love. An external love is not what I’m going to get but I’m going to give.
”The people make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love, the real answer is you love those to whom you give.” /Rhabbi Dessler
His point is if I give something to you, I’ve invested myself in you. Since self-love is a given, everybody loves themselves, now that part of me has become in you, there’s a part of me in you that I love.
True love is a love of giving,
not a love of receiving.”
/ Abraham Twerski
A term which has to be understood because many people get confused by the difference between empathy and sympathy. To sum up the differences between the most commonly used meanings of these two terms: sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity for the hardships that another person encounters, while empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another. You can sympathize with someone without being able to empathize with them. Meaning you can feel sorry and pity someone without having an understanding for what they are going through.
Feeling for somebody else, does that mean justifing for the other person? Empathy means being able to see things from the other persons perspective. Do not judge another person til you’ve been in his place. Never judge another person until you know what that person is going through.
Empathy means being able to ”put on somebody elses clothes” and it’s important in any relationship, it’s especially important between parents and children. Parents operate with an adult mind. No way of knowing what the child feel like. To be able to empathize with the child is extremely important in parenting. What can we do to give our children self-esteem?
If parents have good self-confidence and good self-esteem the children will pick it up. If parents go around feeling failured and insecure children will pick that up. Work on your own self-esteem. Abraham Twerski gave this advice on how to develop childrens self-esteem. He said that you can’t give it to them but you can use techniques. We have to dicsipline children, other wise they would grow up and be wild animals. But you can discipline them without hurting them. Giving them an opportunity to feel good about themselves. Tell them that you don’t approve of what they did, but don’t let them feel bad about themselves. That’s the trick of good discipline. Discipline your children in a way that you correct them and let them know whats wrong and what’s right but don’t make them feel that they are bad even if they did something wrong.
We learn to be emotionally intimate when we are young children. It begins with a secure, loving attachment to a parent. The child who feels securely attached is able to express his feelings openly without shame or fear. The parent is in tune with the child and able to comfort the child when he is frightened, confused or angry. As a result of psychological needs being met by a parent, the child learns to trust others and feel secure about himself as a person.
A mother or father of a narcissist is not a good parent, they reward the child, they regard them as special and superior as long as he reflects the desired parental image. These children are highly praised, and prized in the narcissistic family – but not for who they genuinely are – but for what they do. For the fullfillment of the wishes or dreams of the narcissistic parent. As a result, the narcissist never learns in early childhood how to become emotionally intimate. Because the narcissist is not loved for who he truly is the narcissist never learns to relate to himself on a deep emotional level and then can’t reciprocate any real affection or love for another.
It’s absolutely the most important thing we do when we have children – you shape and prepair them for the rest of their life. It’s not rocket science but it’s also, obviously not as easy as it seems for some people. Of course it matters how your own parents were raised and your parents parents and so on. But somewhere along the line we cannot blame generations and generations for bad and unhealthy behaviour.
If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist you probably can agree thay the relationship never came to the level of intimacy as you expected. It was probably intense, time-comsuming, long-lasting and used a great deal of your mental energy – but intense is not the same as intimacy. It’s a good idea to ask yourself if you feel loved and accepted for the one you are in your relationship. If you can trust your partner and if your partner trust you. If any of these questions have the answer no, then you should probably consider ending that relationship.
The narcissist is terrified of real mature intimacy since it requires emotional involvement. Intimacy is trust, understanding, respect, no secrets, mutuality, feeling understood, feeling that you can share deep vulnerabilities without any fear that it might be used against you. Intimacy takes honesty about who we are and how we feel and admitting our good and bad traits including our partners. The narcissist is not able to be honest with himself and definitely not able to see or fully admit any bad traits. So how could he be honest with other people?
We share ourselves deeply with our partner and we must trust each other to feel secure enough to share. Narcissists are not able to truthfully share or trust, some are very good at pretending and appearing as if they are emotionally invested in you, especially in the beginning. But the narcissist interpret intimacy as emotional strangulation and the end of freedom. Their self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors are intended to destroy any foundation of a successful relationship. Their abusive behavior is often hard to figure out but when they feel threatened or are in a discard phase their behavior is definitely predictable.
The narcissist is extremely good at turning the appearance of intimacy on and of as he likes. When he’s needy he will offer intimations of intimacy that are very reliable and hard to resist. As the ultimate ´user´ he is he will go back to being selfish when he got his gratification.
Narcissists can be happily married, believe it or not… to someone who is indulgent, subservient, self-deprecating and indiscriminately supportive. Or to a masochist… and they lived happily ever after…
Although a healthy, normal person would never be happy in an intimate-less narcissistic relationship.
There are only two kind of people in the narcissists life, those who are better than him (whom he envies) and those who are worse, which is most people since he will degrade anyone to make himself feel better. There are no intimate, genuine relationships.
Deep down inside you must feel so alone in this world.
I can symphatize with you because I pity your life.
But I can also emphatize with you.
Because I know that the little boy you once were probably never felt truly loved for being himself. That little 7-9 year old boy in the pictures who pet the dog and climbed outside… that little boy with so much sadness in his eyes. I emphatize with him and I wish I could’ve loved you then, when it wasn’t too late.
But you are no longer that little boy, you are a full-grown man and you are responsible now. You are responsible for all the hurt you put me through. I still loved you even though you gave me nothing back, that is true love.
I will always love those to whom I give.
Fish love is nothing for me.
(Info and some text from Abraham Twerski and Alexander Burgemeester. Thank you so much!)