.you’re a victim of your own mind
but I can no longer be your victim.
“Someone once told me that I have the gift of seeing people for who they should be – but that I should be careful to never mistake that for who they are.”
Narcissism is a defense mechanism intended to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim’s ´True-self´ into a ´False-self´ which is almighty, invulnerable and omniscient (a know it all). The narcissist uses the sense of self-worth by feeding from his environment narcissistic supply, his partner, his friends or colleagues or pretty much anyone who will cross their path – any form of attention, both positive and negative.
He will be calm, loving, caring, charming and somehow hypnotic. There will be something about him that you can’t put your finger on. He will ”love-bomb” you. Say how special and unsual your connection is and that he never met anyone like you before. What he really does is that he will mirror your needs, desires, fears and insecurities. He will mirror your ideals, beliefs and value system. He will share your ethics and your human compassion. He will be the whole package. He will be your soulmate… He will shape himself into the man that you are looking for and how could you resist him? He will do anything it takes for you to open up to him and trust him completely. You might not fall for all of it – but you will fall in love with him. Later you will realize that ´that man´ was nothing but a bait to win you.
.that man is a narcissist.
Once you’re ´hooked´, the real manipulation starts. Like every narcissist he will be a master of mind games, a master of putting on behaviours and small comments or critizism to make you feel insecure and guilty for pretty much anything that isn’t your fault. In the begining it will be on a level of ”I just fell in love”. Everything he says will sound charming and could be perceived as a compliment even. You will react to things he says but you wont be able to tell exactly what it means or how to connect it. He will manipulate you and he will try to control you. If you make it clear for him that you don’t need him or any other man in your life since you always managed everything by yourself, that will make him even more determined to control you. He will feed even more from you, imagine the satisfaction if he can control someone as strong as you! It will be a game of control, where it’s on a playful loving level for you – but for him it’s reality where you possibly could be the one to ´break the spell´.
The game will continue and he will try to find a weak spot that he can use to control you. Something where he can truly make you feel guilty for the way he behaves. It could be anything, lets say you have to leave for a job far away. That will work, he will make you feel guilty for ´leaving him´. He will cover every trace by telling you how happy and proud he is. Again – words come easy especially for the narcissist. His actions will show the opposite leaving you confused and unable to separate if it’s because of the situation or what is his real behaviour. He will never be wrong, nothing will ever be his fault. Everything will be your fault because of the decision ´you made´ (or whatever weak spot he found to make you feel guilty).
For the narcissist the surface is extremely important. He most likely has a specific view of how everything in his life needs to be perfect. A true perfectionist. He might throw in a comment about how far away from perfect you are. What he does is that he says how you don’t fit into his perfect world but you can still be a part of it. Wow, lucky you… He will make you feel uncomfortable and you will come out as being oversensitive if you react to comments like that.
The narcissist is highly materialistic. His wardrobe will most likely look like an expensive costume shop and he will be very proud of it. Everything he owns is expensive. His car, his watch, his flat, his clothes and he might even comment on the way you dress and explain how he needs to change that, he will make it sound charming. He will easily spend thousand of dollars on VIP tables and parties – any situation were he can show off that he has money. At the same time he might tell you that he doesn’t have enough money to come and visit you or go on vacation together like you planned. Just to make you feel even less valued.
He will never be there for you, no matter what. He has a very low emotional intelligence. He will be unable to form a true intimate relationship with you. That involves true and deep feelings which he can’t handle. Instead he will make sure to point out the reason why he can’t be that intimite with you and of course that will be your fault. If you tell him one thing that you’re afraid of in life– he will make sure to sneak in some cutting remarks on that.
He will always be the tragic victim. He has a big lack of empathy. He will never see you, your needs, your love, your pain or your loneliness. Even if you cry right in front of him, he most likely will smile back at you. Maybe ask you to please stop, not because he is feeling guilty for making you cry, but simply because he doesn’t want to deal with you being so “oversensitive and weak” …
Everything will always be about him. He will make every decision. When and how often you meet. He will probably cancel more often then not and he will enjoy turning you down, putting him in control as he always needs to be in full control,´his way or the highway´. At the same time he will choose moments where he will allow you to decide something so you can’t blame him for always making every decision.
Him allowing you to decide something is still him controlling you.
He will never honestly admit being in the wrong. He will rarely apologize unless he wants something from you. He will be angry at you for days, weeks, months maybe all the time for different reasons… and when you push him or critize his behaviour he will show underlying aggression.
Silent treatment and neglect will be his big thing. This will always happen after you critized his behaviour or tell him that you can’t accept him treating you the way he does. You might even try to tell him that you can’t be in a relationship with someone who only wants you on his conditions. You will feel used.
He will be extremely sensitive to any kind of critizism. Even if it’s just suggesting how to handle a situation. He will instantly take this as an insult – ”You don’t believe in me”, ”You want to change me” – he will directly be the innocent victim and you will be the bad one or purely the dumb one. And that’s when he will shut you out completely. Zero contact. He will need ´time´ to get back to you. And if you dare to contact him during that time he will ignore your messages, click your phonecalls and then get furious and accuse you for being needy, demanding or not respecting his needs. After his silent periods he will move on like nothing happened or come up with some lame excuse. When the contact is back up he knows that he needs to improve his behaviour and give you what you need so you will stay with him and continue to supply him with your attention, feed him with your love – feed him with your pain. He will improve for a while and it will be difficult to not excuse his behaviour because of whatever weak spot he is using against you and the brilliant mind-games that he is putting you through. He will tell you one thing and then he’ll make sure that his actions will be the opposite. All to mess with your mind and you will end up with an enormous confusion inside. Feeling completely lost and become more and more dependant of him – it will end up as a toxic circle. A circle he is completely in control of. The world will always revolve around him, while you try to do everything possible to save your relationship – he will do nothing.
When you have to start explaining the basic elements of human respect to a successful, ´clever´ grown up man, that’s a BIG warning sign. Normal people understand the basic concepts of honesty and kindness.
When being critized and pushed to his limits he might somehow admit having ”problems”. He might use it as a tactic or he might actually have a moment of clarity. Don’t be surprised by how fast it will go away though, probably within minutes his protection, his narcissism will kick back in and his walls will be back up again. If you’re unlucky he will have that moment of clear and painful honesty where he isn’t in control. Unfortunately it will shock you – it will make you pity him and again and you really want to help him. Why would you give up on him? Isn’t love worth a try?
“This is not the way he was when we fell in love, so obviously it must be because we’re so far apart… it must be that… distance relationships are hard for anyone, I just need to be patient…”
Don’t be fooled.
His mistake of being honest and a step closer to his ´True-Self´ will be your fault and you will be punished. Most likely by freezing you out again – and he will most likely move on and look for another victim if he didn’t already do that. He knows that you wont be able to handle him leaving you this way and he’s waiting for you to come back for him. It doesn’t matter in what state. You might surprise him somewhere to break up with him once and for all, but no matter what you planned he will enjoy you showing up. It will feed his ego, you coming back for him will give him pleasure. No matter what you say. Love or hate, joy or pain – he will feed from it. He might even want to be in public and talk so people can see ”how crazy” you are. As the master he is – he will turn it all back on you. He probably will use your exact words against you. Your decision to diconnect from him will fail and he will make you feel guilty. Your stomach might turn inside out, you might feel sick and your instinct might yell at you to run away from him. You might know that you never can trust this man but in that moment you still can’t go. His claws will be around you.
The need and obsession he has for you – he has now created the same need and obsession in you, the need of his attention and confirmation will be the real struggle and this will now be your ´love´. Even though he wont give you much back it wont matter because for you true love is not about receiving – it’s about giving. BUT there needs to be boundries of how much you can give without getting anything in return. The real love you had for him will fade away and you will be stuck being his victim. Only there to feed his needs.
“A man who loves others based solely on how they make him feel, or what they do for him, is really not loving others at all – but loving only himself” – Chriss Jami
He says he loves you. In his world he does. In his world he really loves ´you´. But he can never truly love – you. Simply because he doesn’t love himself. Deep down inside the narcissist doesn’t love himself. Usually they despise themselves, even hate themselves. Narcissism starts in childhood or early adolescence. It’s commonly attributed to rejection in childhood or any form of abuse, trauma or lack of love especially from the parents. There are many narcissistic families where the facade is a ´close knit perfect´ family. But in fact they have very dysfunctional and harmful relationships behind close doors. There is also a biological explanation which shortly explains that some just are like this. They have the tendency for it and even the smallest thing will bring it out.
He loves himself through you.
You will only be an extension of him. He only loves the way you make him feel. When he says he loves you, he means that he loves the way he feels when he is with you. He loves himself through you. He loves himself through your eyes. He loves having someone new to tell his stories to, to express his opinions, and to share his profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life.
When he tells you that he is in love with you… he really loves having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. He loves the way you feel on him. He loves the way he feels about himself when you are with him.
He only loves the way you make him feel.
When he says that he is in love with you, what he really loves is to not be alone. He loves having a full-time, personal audience. When he tells you that he is in love with you, he means he loves being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. He loves being your altar, your icon, your miracle. He loves being the object of your sacrifice. He loves being your pain. When he says he is in love with you, he means he is in love with being your sun, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to him no matter how hard you try to jump or fly away.
He loves keeping you his.
I might be the ”Beauty” and you are definitley the ”Beast” but we’re not living in a Disney movie and no one can break your spell. /Heidi
Unlike a Disney movie, “perfect” romantic love can’t last forever. Hopefully it grows into something more realistic and long lasting – where two people discover and accept one another’s faults. A true narcissist cannot tolerate such an experience. To be emotionally open and honest with their partner means they must have a more authentic relationship with themselves too and with the shame and poor self-esteem they so desperately want to keep away. When the person they are ´in love with´ attempts to get closer to them in this way, they feel they are getting emotional pressure put on them and they pull back because that person is “too demanding”. The feelings of perfect, romantic love begin to fade along with the idealization of their partner… and the narcissist falls ´out of love´.
You will reach a point where you don’t recognize yourself anymore. When the people around you will start to react. You might try to disconnect from him. He will take it into his hands again, he will turn the whole conversation around, maybe apologize and all of a sudden he is that lovely man that you once fell in love with and you can no longer break up with him. Again you are confused and you feel guilty for trying to break up. All according to his plan. He knows that you reached the point of having enough. He knows that point – god knows how many women he destroyed and hurt over the years. What he’ll do next is from being all charming and loving to you, he will try to make you feel really bad about yourself in different ways and at the same time talk about ´your happy future´, be caring and loving – mind games at it’s absolute best. He will try to be in full control all the way to the end – that is the plan …
…and then he breaks up with you. Maybe over a text. Saying that you need to respect HIS decision and give HIM time to think. HE will call you when HE can express himself better, at the moment HE is too sad to speak. You have to respect that HE needs time. Your instinct reply will be exactly what he wants – the need and obsession of his constant confirmation of your existence will not be able to take a break up, especially not over a text. Although you know that this needs to end because he is not just a problematic person – he is sick. The best thing you can do is to cut him off completely. Easier said then done…
Speaking with experience… I fell in love with a narcissist.
What I did was that I thanked him for breaking up with me, told him that I already wanted to tell him the same. That I couldn’t live like this anymore. That I completely agreed and maybe in the future if we would see each other again things would be different… “we will see”… This was not in his plan. How could I agree with him? I was suppose to beg him to take me back, that was the plan. He started stalking my social media – no contact – just watching everything I did since he knew I would get back to him somehow.
Of course I hoped that we could at least sit down and get a closure face to face like two adults. His response was that I hurt him, I had been playing games with him and I used him. He looked at me and saw his own behaviour and tried to blame me for everything he did. He said that he had nothing more to say to me, he didn’t want any contact with me, that I could “move on” to someone else, that he NEVER wanted to see me again! He also told me that he was dating someone new – and that he wouldn’t destroy it, this time! Totally admitting that he destroyed us and probably every other relationship he ever had.
I knew that I was finished with him.
I got what I needed. I got it absolutely confirmed that he is a victim of his own mind. But I could no longer be his victim. And I can NEVER save him.
I wrote him a last message where I told him things I wanted to say for months…
That he said that he’d always be honest to me but that he actually always lied. That I see now that he was never the man for me even though I wanted him to be. That he is no longer the man I fell in love with but unfortunately I think this is who he truly is. A full-grown man who still didn’t figure out that he will end up alone for the rest of his life if he doesn’t deal with his problems. That right now I couldn’t be happier that I didn’t end up with him and that I never completely trusted him. That he broke a piece of my heart – but I will get over him because I’m stronger than him. And one day I will find someone who will love me and treat me with the respect that I deserve. That he’ll never Iive his “perfect life” – because life isn’t perfect. That I will be happy without him. The way he treated me shows that he has deep issues and that I feel sorry for him. I told him that I hope he will find happiness one day.
I waited until I saw that he started reading it and then I blocked him. I never felt so free! I put him in his worst nightmare. I told him the truth about himself. Forced him to at least while reading it face his biggest fear – himself. Without knowing the term ´narcissist´ and without knowing that that’s what he is I pretty much got it right and then I took away his power to even respond. I gave him his own treatment and I got the final word. Of course he was fast enough to send me some emails and maybe that helped him to feel like he got the final word but the truth is – he will never know if I read them. Unless you’re reading this blog right now which I would be surprised about.
He sent the emails within minutes of each other. He was very aggressive and totally desperate in the way he wrote. He was boiling with anger and he even wrote some of the messages completely in the subject line, that shows that you have no control over your feelings. He said a lot of things, among it that this was the worst someone ever did to him, which most likely is true. That I destroyed his life and that I was a bad person. Most likely he actually thought that I would be the woman that could live with him they way he was and maybe even help him.
Knowing a lot about narcissism I understand that my honesty must really have felt like ”I destroyed his life”. In his world I am probably the worst person he ever met beause I made him see himself – his bare naked ´True-Self´. The true person he is under his perfectionism, his powergames and his giant ego. There is a reason why he is that way and I always knew that. I genuinly wanted to help him but no one else can help him. He needs to get professional help and the odds that he will be open for treatment are very small, the odds that he could start loving his ´True-Self´ one day are pretty much zero.
I can not help him, I tried. Of course I wish that he can get help and one day be able to have a life that truly matters. But it’s not in my hands.
And he will never get the pleasure to have me in his life again.
For those of you who never experienced pschycological abuse it can be hard to understand why the victim stays or many times go back. Remember that it’s even harder for the victim to know why they stay. Pschycological abuse is very strong. In this case the narcissist is a master at what he does. He will make sure to manipulate you slowly and carefully – he will mix his abuse with the love that you can’t resist. Leaving the victim confused and full of hope that the loving part of him is who he truly is.
Someone once told me that I have the gift of seeing people for who they should be – but that I should be careful to never mistake that for who they are. This is the source to why I stayed with him so long even though I knew he was probably sick. Why I really wanted to help him even though I knew I probably never could. To recover from narcissistic abuse is always hard. Hopefully we can all find something helpful in each others stories. After dealing with the part of admitting that it all happened I think it’s important to research about it and connect all the parts so you with facts can see that he is sick and IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT.
There isn’t any profile of a person who gets involved with a narcissist. A narcissist can be a real charmer in the beginning and is truly a con-artist. If we don’t know narcissism or what to look for then how can we know if we are being conned? How can we know that we’re being targeted as their new victim? On the most part we want to believe the best about people. We want to believe that everybody pretty much wants what we want; love, caring, nurturing, respect and honesty. Our minds have difficulty comprehending the pschycopathic or narcissistic reality. It is a reality so far away from our own that we can not conceive of it.
The tragic thing in all of this is the poor narcissist. Who most likely can never truly love another person. Because deep inside he can’t love himself. There are many theories of why someone is a narcissst. It’s hard to tell since they mostly are a hopeless case and they would never admit that they are sick or what the source to the problem is. Even those who agree to treatment usually either try to manipulate their pchsyciatrist into believeing that they are the ´perfect patient´ or they think they know better then the pchsyciatrist himself.
If you happen to read this blog, which I believe you never will, but if you do… What could I say to you… Nothing that I wrote in this blog was for you. It’s to warn others about people like you and tell them what narcissim is. How to discover it and how to break free and move on.
One part of me want to write your name, tell everyone where you work and where you live so that everyone knows who you truly are.
But I am not a bad person – even though that’s what you said. I was never a bad person … you spoke about yourself.
If you have an understanding of what you are, then you have two choices… Live alone and stop destroying other people or get help. You have to stop controlling everything and everyone around you – do yourself a favor and get control over the only thing that really matters in life – your own mind.
My healing process will continue. Many times I feel anger, sadness and disappointment but mostly I feel sorry for you. Even after everything you did to me, using me as your supply. I wish you were the person you thought you were too “my love”.
I truly loved you and truly wanted to help you. You will probably never understand who you destroyed every chance with. You lost ME. Did you really think that you could control me and take my freedom?
I hope that one day you can live a life with your ´True-Self´ for only then will you feel complete. Deep down inside you must feel so lost in this world, you must feel so alone in this world.
I will never forgive you for making me your victim, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want the best for you…
…just don’t mistake yourself – you will never get the pleasure to have me in your life again.
(Info and facts from all over the web, can honestly not say what’s what anymore, facts mixed with personal experiences. If you recognize something in this text that seems to be a part of something you wrote then please let me know if I should put your name here somewhere!)